My Chaotic Companion...

That’s funny. You don’t look Bipolar.

Just rode the waves of emotional highs and lows and didn't think much about it.

Imagine waking up one morning and saying to yourself: That's it. I am done.

Today is the day to end it all. Be careful...

If you say it too loud and people hear you, they'll think you're crazy

and lock you in a mental asylum.

Then again, were all a little crazy at times. Aren't we?

My Manic Episode.

              My extreme high.

In my manic periods, I feel as though I am flying, effortlessly getting through the day. The feeling of being invincible with no second thought of all the destructive things I am doing. Body feels charged with energy, I can forget about trying to sleep, so insomnia sets in when my mind needs rest the most. Talking rapidly and forcefully without finishing my sentences, and constantly interrupting others. Time seems to go by twice as fast as usual. Thoughts racing through my mind as if you are tiring to listen to several conversations at once. A struggle just to deal with people, Pacing around and can not focus or concentrate on a simple task. Agitation and frustration starts to set in. Like a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. A simple comment or question aimed towards me makes its worse, I scream back. WHAT!! Without even recognizing how I just reacted. The guilt begins to set in; I know it’s not really me acting that way, then anger towards myself for not being able to have control over it. I lose my appetite and begin feeling depressed and ashamed.

My symptoms are dynamic and occur in clusters of changing intensity. Sometimes mania dominates, sometimes depression, and I have no way of knowing which it will be or for how long. A day to day struggle, I received a life sentence and can’t understand why.

Soon I lose control of my moods and sensations.

I hear imaginary muffled voices and tunes. Tears may flow regardless of how I feel. As my thoughts continue to race, I lose my ability to concentrate and become extremely anxious—an anxiety that may turn into either pleasure or rage. I feel all-powerful at one moment and suicidal the next.

 I make plans and promises that I will not even remember at the end of the day.

Eventually depression takes over. I become so physically ill that I am too weak to function. I ache all over. The world seems drab and dull. I want nothing to do with other people, and I feel as though my presence is a burden to them. I do not even want to answer the phone or go to the door. I cannot carry on a conversation, because everything people are saying to me seems like a cruel attack.

Activities that usually bring pleasure seem foreign to me. I am overwhelmingly anxious and feel as though I have never done anything right in my life. I am also extremely indecisive; a simple task like getting out of bed and taking a shower takes all morning to plan and complete.  

Just when I think the agony cannot possibly get worse, it does. It seems as though it is never going to end. It is as if there is no future, no present, and no past—an eternal void. My mind and body are ravished by these constant shifts in mood.

My mind races, feeling of anger and hopelessness and then it considers suicide.

The Hanging.

 The flashbacks keep coming back they won’t go away.  The thought of dealing with this for another day.. Why? Sitting on the couch while the Tears slowing falling off my checks, the images won’t stop no matter how loud the screams are coming from inside of me. Pacing the kitchen floor, pulling at fist full of hair. I begin to argue with my own mind. I am incapable of controlling it, full of rage, Yelling at it for it to stop. The voices get louder while images appear.

I receive step by step images like an instruction manual.

Step one: Get a rope..  Crying, Searching all over the house for rope, but I have to be quiet my family is asleep and we don’t want to wake them. Ok no rope.. Wait just unplug the phone and use the cord. Standing there with the cord wrapped around each fist pulling to make sure it would not break, I look up and see the light fixture, grabbing a chair standing on my tippy toes while tying one end of the cord to the fixture and the other end around my neck, the tears were flowing faster down my cheeks as I said my sorry and goodbyes to my family.

 Ok kick the chair.  The cord tightens around my neck and all I could do is gasp for air and kick. I start to feel light headed everything goes black..  Finally Peace and quiet, no more racing thoughts, no more voices can be heard. An amazing feeling comes over me as it has been what I been searching for all these years.

  As I opened my eyes and everything is a blur, trying to focus on someone sitting next to me. Asking what was going on since my memory was in a fog, a voice responded back you are in the hospital; I found you hanging in the kitchen and had to cut you down. I suddenly recognized the voice of my husband. I can tell he was pissed by the tone of his voice. I hear.. Why did you do that? What the hell were you thinking? No matter how many questions were asked I just stared at him, there were too many emotions going on to explain. Like he would understand anyways.. I wanted to yell (why didn’t you leave me there) it was going to be over with. I would not have had to go through one more day like this, but my anger quickly changes as I looked at him and can see the pain that I just caused. Then quickly the thought of my kids raced through my mind. The feeling of being ashamed overpowers me for what I just done. Too late for apologies as I am untied for thee hospital bed and strapped into a stray jacket and sent to a mental hospital. Now under control of doctors I am feed multiply drugs and become into a zombie state with no emotions or thoughts of my own..

I get a funny feeling
that comes from deep inside
I get all mad and angry
wanting to go and hide

Doctors call it an illness
some people think it's just me
But the thoughts and feelings
no one are able to see

Some say your psycho

Some say your just weird
It's like I'm a different person
and the old me just disappeared

Thoughts are racing, body is tired

Soul is fragile, scared and dead

Sick of hearing it’s all in your head

Wishing there was help
 Wish it would just go away
Maybe if I keep praying real hard
it will some day

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside

I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many when’s & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me

Warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the numbers unlisted
Lost in someone

So warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much

From someone so warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty & hollow
Today is just yesterday's… tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

Can't you see
That you are not wired like me

You will never know
This monster inside of me
All the ugliness I see

YOU say is not there

Those of you

Who are not like me
Are blind, you see

You

Who are just not wired like me